Turducken

You ever eaten gator?  Tastes like pussy.  The only time I like something tastes like pussy is if it’s pussy.  Even then, I gotta be drunk and in the mood.  Otherways, I ain’t eatin it.  Hell, I’d ruther eat donkey dick.  Naw, I’m just fuckin with ya.  I don’t like donkey dick.  Gator’s good as hell, though.  Hell, you soak a gator tail in Jack Daniels with some Worchestershire with a shitload of cayenne and cumin and about a half pound of sugar overnight, smoke it for a few hours over applewood?  Oh, hell yeah, man.  That’s bad ass.  That’s how my granddaddy taught me.  Damn, man.  Then you eat it with eggs and some ketchup.  Oh, hell yeah….  Makin my mouth water.  Shit’s bad ass, dude...

Alright, now.  I don’t want nobody hearin about this, so you better promise not to tell.  I don’t see nobody around listenin.  Alright.  You never know about these Obama NSA motherfuckers, you know what I mean?  Goddam freemasons is what they are.  Fuckin Illuminati, know what I’m sayin?  But you ain’t gonna say nothin are ya?  Hell, you seem like good people,  ..  Right.  Oh, hell yeah.  Yer cool, yer cool.  We’re cool.  You got anymore a that weed?  Oh, hell yeah!  That shit’s bad ass!  Damn weed tastes like it got scrubbed off a skunk’s nuts.

Alright.  Me and Stony wasn't tryin to get us a gator.  We was fishin. Now you better not tell nobody about this cos the law cares more about them damn gators than they do about you and me.  Hell, I could blow yer goddam head off right now and I’d be outta prison in 4 years.  I hit a fuckin alligator in my truck and I’m down for 30.  Fuckin liberals is ruinin this goddam country….  take away my fuckin gun yall can kiss my ass…  I’ll shoot that goddam nigger in his fuckin Muslim terrorist head he takes my fuckin gun….  Goddam secret service can lick my balls.

Anyhow, so me and Stony was all fucked up and we wasn’t gonna catch any catfish.  Hell, we didn’t even have any fuckin bait!  HAR!  We was just gettin drunk down at the fuckin pond, know what I mean?  Hell yeah… Puttin baloney on the hook.  Hell, you can’t catch nothin but bluegills with baloney and I ain’t got time for that bullshit.  Gotta catch a whole mess of bluegills just to feed anybody.  An then you gotta fry up hushpuppies and taters and all that if you don’t wanna walk away hungry.  Fuck bluegills!  Damn things are worthless, you ask me.

But I ain’t even tryin to tell you about bluegills.  Them motherfuckers is good eatin, I ain’t even gonna lie.  But I ain’t tryin to feed the family on em, that’s all I’m tryin to say.  Me n Stony was fishin for bass n catfish.  Now, those motherfuckers’ll load down yer goddam table.  An that’s what me an Stony was gonna do.  We was drinkin an we was fishin an we was aiming to bring us home a mess of catfish.

Stony don’t like snakes.  Hell, neither do I if we’re gonna bring God into it.  Hell, man…  The whole damn world would probly be alright if it weren’t fer that goddam snake in the first place.  Hell, man.  I don’t even blame the woman for eatin the apple.  I blame that fuckin snake for feedin it to her, ya know what I’m sayin?  Motherfucker shoulda never been allowed on the damn Ark, ya ask me.  Noah was a goddam moron liberal piece a shit.  “Oh yeah, let’s save the goddam skeeters an the fuckin brown recluses and the copperheads, boo fuckin hoo!....”  Yeah, that’s what  Noah did.  

Same thing Obama woulda done.  It’s all in the Bible.  God told us that we’d have a nigger in the White House.  Says it right there in Deutoronomy 4:26.  Well, I forget what the goddam Bible said, but I know the motherfucker didn’t say “Let Obama take away our guns, for he is truly Jesus’s fuckin best goddam friend”.  The Bible didn’t say that. No sir.

Anyhow, me an Stony was fishin.  I didn’t care if I caught nothin. Hell, neither did Stony.  But Stony caught somethin, alright.  He caught him a gator.  Damned ol thing was probably only about 4 foot long, but he was a fat little sombitch.  Now, Stony’s like a brother to me but he’s a real pussy.  He just about pinched a loaf in his drawers when he saw that goddam monster’s head pop outta the pond.  I ain’t afraid of no damn alligator, though.  Specially some baby like Stony got a hold of.  Hell, I used to wrestle em when I was a boy.  And you fill my belly fulla Old Crow like it was that day, I’ll punch a goddam alligator right in his ugly green mouth.

Anyhow, Stony just about hit the roof when he saw that damn lizard pop his head up outta the water.  Me, I started laughing.  “HOLD ‘IM, STONY!!!”, I shouted.  I got my knife out and waded into the pond.  The damned gator spun around and tried heading the other way.  And that was good cos I’d ruther get on his back than have to dodge his teeth.  Stony was just about goin blind, screamin at me like a goddam little girl.  He done dropped his fishin pole in the grass so I had to do something quick.  Fuck the dumb shit, I just jumped on that ol gator’s back and stuck my Buck knife in his neck.  He thrashed around but I had a good hold on him.  Took about a minute but he quit fighting.

Stony’s balls finally dropped and he got in the pond and helped me drag the gator out onto the bank.  Damn thing probably weighed about 40 pounds.  The only good eatin on a gator is the tail, but I like keepin the skins.  Hell, I probably got a few dozen of em out in the shed.  Anyhow, the gator weren’t too heavy but he was slippery and it’s just easier to carry one if you got some help.  Stony got on the ass end and I grabbed the motherfucker’s neck and we carried it over to the truck and dumped it in the back with all the empty beer cans.  We went back over and grabbed our poles and drove home to change into some dry clothes.

So anyways, we get back to my trailer and pulled the gator out n set him on my workbench out in the shed.  I went into the trailer and got Big Howdy.  Howdy’s my best knife.  Damn thing’s so sharp it’ll cut you just if you look at it.  Best goddam gator-skinner you’ll ever put your hands on.  And you ain’t puttin your hands on Big Howdy.  Not if I have anything to say about it.  I walked back out to the shed.  Stony was tryin to find us some music on the radio.  When I walked into the shed he looked up and offered me the jug of Old Crow.  Hell yeah, man.

I flipped the gator over on his back on my work table.  Flies was buzzin around him.  I stuck Big Howdy in the gator’s throat and started cutting down towards his tail.  And that’s when I saw it.  Damnedest thing I ever saw, and I done two tours in Iraq.  I get my knife down to the damn things belly and what the hell did I see but a fuckin arm.  A human arm.  Goddam, man I just about jumped outta my fuckin britches.  Stony hollered.  Hell, I probably hollered, too.  Goddam arm, man.  Looked like it might’ve used to belong to a skinny junior high school boy.  I looked at Stony and he looked at me.  What the hell were we gonna do?  Couldn’t turn it in.  Hell, we turn it in and we’re goin down for killing the goddam gator.

I got me an idea.  The damned ol arm was fresh.  Fucker must’ve just ate it an hour before we got a hold of him.  Damn gator tail wouldn’t be ready til the next day, the way I was wantin to marinate it like I said before.  That arm, though…  Hell, it was about as big as a goddam pork tenderloin.  “Hey, Stony”, I said.  “You ever eat a goddam arm before?”

“Hell no, Weasel”, Stony says back.  “You know I never ate a goddam arm before.  What the hell r you trying to say?”

“Well”, I says, “I always kinda wondered what people tastes like.  I reckon I’m gonna cook this motherfucker.”

       Stony looks at me like I'm crazier than a shithouse rat.  Hell, maybe I am.  Then he thought about it and said, "Well, you gonna roast it or fry it?"

“Tell you what?  You get the oven on while I finish skinnin this here gator.  I gotta get him soakin, too.  You and me are gonna eat us some roasted arm.  Cut up some taters, too.”

So me and Stony finished off that bottle of whiskey and had us some damned ol roasted arm.  I already said that the goddam thing was about as big as a pork tenderloin?  Well it tasted kinda like one, too. It was a little tougher, but holy hell if the skin wasn't golden brown and crispy when it came outta the oven. Might've been the best goddam piece of meat I ever ate. Me and Stony have been talkin about maybe gettin us another one. I'm wantin to try the liver. I like the hell outta liver.