Spring - An Essay

I'm too lazy to actually research how rabbits became symbolic of Spring.  That's because I don't really fuckin care.  I'm tired of symbolism.  Symbolism is what separates Christians who would otherwise be relatively rational, reasonable people from the wingnuts who think that day was invented by the invisible man before he got around to inventing the Sun.  The otherwise-intelligent and sensible Christians will slyly declare that the bible is ¨symbolic¨.  I would assume that God could just say whatever the fuck he wanted to say without waxing poetic and confusing the shit outta everybody.  Maybe the invisble monster that lives under the flat Earth wrote it just to fuck us all up.  And maybe tiny little blue monkeys fly miniature blackhawk helicopters outta my butt while I'm sleeping and gun down all the goblins that live under my bed.  That would explain the absence of goblins under my bed.  The possibilities are endless.  The mind reels.

Sorry.  I got a bit off track there.  Off track of what exactly, well I'm not entirely sure.  Spring?  Rabbits?  Fuck it.  Who knows?  There's a wasp that looks like it just woke up crawling around on an empty beer bottle on my nightstand.  Great.  Good ol Spring.  I have zero sympathy for wasps.  Theyŕe just too damn powerful considering that theyŕe just bugs.  All they have to do is kill other bugs. They have no business hospitalizing human beings. I don't feel like dorking around and trying to kill this one, though.  He's on a bottle on the nightstand.  If I swat at him Iĺl just knock everything all over the place.  Not to mention, if I don't kill it then itĺl be all pissed off.  RIght now it seems to be enjoying a Sunday morning beer.  Maybe's it's hungover.  Maybe I should fix the goddam thing a bloody mary and some eggs.  I wonder if it would rather listen to Slayer or the White Stripes?  Perhaps I'll offer it some weed.  Cos that's the kinda guy I am.

So yeah, my friend's dog took off for three days.  That's another sign of Spring.  The dog gets all horny and loses his goddam mind.  I'm glad he came back.  He looks like I've felt on a thousand different mornings.  Hasn't eaten in a few days, was trying to get down some English Setter's pants, wound up getting beat up by some giant dude.  I wonder if he smoked crack?  Wait.  Allow me to clarify, to offer a brief retraction. I've never even considered screwing an English Setter.  I'm just trying to draw a fuckin analogy here.  I mean, I had a crush on a Brittany Spaniel once, but it was an isolated incident.  Won't happen again, I swear.  Anyway, I'm wondering if the dog got his yayas out or if he's just waiting to feel a little better so he can go out for more punishment.  Time shall reveal, I'm certain.

Rabbits.  They fuck a lot and have a lot of baby rabbits.  I mean, of course they have baby rabbits. What else are they gonna do? Lay pink and green chicken eggs? That'd be fuckin stupid. Oh wait... Anyway, that's probably the reason why they're the Spring things.  It's gotta be.  And if that's true, then it's probably some stupid pagan thing that's leftover from before Charlemagne was hacking everybody's brains out and making the survivors get into his stupid religion instead.  Rabbits also sometimes dress up like women and kiss you with toilet plungers or or hand you sticks of dynamite that look like cigars.  It happens.  I've seen it before in dramatic reenactments on TV on Saturday mornings when I was a kid.  And they're really good at stashing shitty candy.  I learned that from personal experience.  I'm gonna put an end to this buncha horseshit that I've been rattling on about for the past few paragraphs.  But before I do, I feel inclined to return to my theories and observations regarding the Trix rabbit.  

OK, so maybe you didn't have a TV when you were a kid, or maybe youŕe too old or too young to have known the Trix rabbit as a household name.  Did he have a name?  Hm.  There was Toucan Sam and Lucky the Leprechaun.  But I only remember the Trix rabbit as being the Trix rabbit.  Anyway, what would happen was that a couple of 8 year olds would be eating Trix at the table and then the cartoon Trix rabbit would walk in wearing some kind of disguise in an effort to obtain a bowl of Trix.  He'd invariably blow his cover within 13 seconds and the kids would tell him to fuck off and not give him any cereal.  What the hell kinda message is that?  The kids had a whole box of shit that they didn't even pay for and now they won't hook up a rabbit who's wearing a grass skirt and a pineapple on his head?  Greedy pricks…  Plus, I don't give a fuck what I'm consuming or who bought it, if a cartoon rabbit pops up and wants some I'm gonna give him some.  I'll share my only $20 crack rock with a fuckin cartoon animal if it asks.  In fact, smoking crack with the Trix rabbit would give me stories to tell my grandkids.  Of course, me having grandchildren is about as likely as me shooting crack with Porky Pig anyway, so it's all neither here nor there.