Northern Pride

                Well, here’s my big chance to write something and I don’t know what the hell to write about.  I could write about how stupid Christmas is, but who the fuck cares about that?  As with pretty much everything, you either like Christmas, you don’t like Christmas, or you don’t give a fuck about Christmas.  I fall into the latter 2 categories.  I do, however, have a theory that I might as well lay on you.  Christmas falls a few days after the Winter Solstice.  At least it does here.  My friends in Australia had never seen snow and Christmas shows up right when the weather’s getting good and fuckin hot.  They’re still singing about White Christmas and Frosty the Snowman and all that shit though.  But fuck them.  I’ve got Northern Hemisphere pride.  We’re on TOP!  Is that our slogan?  If it is, we should change it cos that kinda sucks.

                Anyway, my goddam theory is that winter is cold, dark and miserable.  That’s actually not a theory.  It's just the way it is.  Winter is indeed cold, dark and miserable.  Unless you live somewhere where it isn’t, but if you do then I’m sure you have other problems.  But yeah, winter sucks and just as it kicks in a lot of folks get depressed, begin thinking about killing themselves and/or their families.  So, just as a reminder to everybody to not get all freaked out and do something terrible, we have a holiday that just about everybody seems to celebrate even if they think that Christianity is a crock of shit.  They give each other things, they receive gifts from others.  They eat a bunch of food with people they love.  They’re prompted to keep in mind that they love people, that people love them, that just cos it’s dark at 4 in the afternoon and it’s 5 degrees out that they shouldn’t do anything rash, shouldn’t turn to permanent solutions to temporary problems.

                This can easily backfire, and I’m certain that it does.  Fuckers realize that nobody cares about them.  Then they blow the rent money trying to buy crap for people that they decide that they don’t even really know.  A box shows up from some schmuck you haven’t seen in 5 years, containing a V-neck sweater that you’ll never wear.  And a goddam fruitcake, which is the lamest joke of the holiday season.  Everybody knows that fruitcake sucks, nobody wants to fuckin eat it, yet there it is anyway.  It’s like mailing somebody a dog turd and snickering about it when they thank you for it.  I think.  I’ve never actually mailed anybody a dog turd nor have I been present when somebody unwrapped one under the mistletoe, but I can imagine.  That’s actually a good cheap gift idea for anybody who was thinking about buying a fruitcake and standing in line with it at the post office for an hour.  Be festive.  Spray paint it red and green. 

                That’s another thing, Christmas ruined red and green.  Those are the only two complimentary colors on the color wheel that actually compliment one another.  Blue and orange look pretty awful together.  Purple and yellow are even worse.  I’m a Minnesota Vikings fan but purple and yellow look like shit together.  But green and red look okay.  Only now if I wear green jeans and a red t-shirt I look like Santa’s little helper or something so I don’t wear that combo if I’m paying attention.  If looking like an elf at the North Pole is the worst thing that happens to me in a day though, I’m doing pretty good.  OK.  I think that this is about enough of this.  Or if you’re still reading this bullshit then you can think to yourself:   That’s about enough of that.