Don't Eat Bugs

I started eating meat a couple of months ago. Before that, I ate meat sometimes. But it was fish. And fish isn't meat cos fish are too stupid to know that they don't wanna die. Like bugs, they're pretty much just organic robots that are programmed to cruise around and fuck and eat. And not get killed. Just like dogs and cats and pigs and rhinoceri and cockatiels and turtles and mosquitoes and guppies and people. O.K. I guess I just lost the argument. Fish are meat, too. Nobody has a bumper sticker that says "Fish Are Meat, Too!" cos they'd just get flipped off all the time, but it's true. Fish are programmed to not wanna die and they are mobile, therefore they are meat. And if you happen to wanna die, I don't fuckin blame you. I would too if I had been reduced to reading this fuckin garbage.

So anyway, I ate fish. But I didn't eat pigs or birds or bovines. And I didn't eat bugs unless one happened to get into my mouth and I swallowed it before I could do anything else. That didn't happen very often, though I almost got pulverized by a city bus once cos a fuckin bumble bee or some goddam thing flew into my mouth right as the bus was passing me. I was haulin ass on my bicycle. I watched whatever-kind-of-giant-ass-bug-it-was spiral towards me as if it were in slow motion, the advice of every baseball coach I had ever had echoing through my mind: "Keep your eye on the ball!" I freaked out and spit it out like an olive pit and kept on truckin, glad that I hadn't lost my life over something so ridiculous as that. However if I had, I guess the bugs would've had cause to celebrate. Their buddy dies so that a human can be splattered on the windshield of a bus. One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter....

As soon as I decided to eat meat other than fish meat, it was on: I'm gobbling down bacon cheeseburgers and barbequed chicken and steaks and fuckin ham and pepperoni pizza and chili cheese dogs and everything else I could get my greedy little fingers on. I never didn't like the taste of flesh, I just had other reasons for not eating it. Reasons which I won't bore and annoy you with right now. Reasons such as Satan telling me I'd better not or that I'd grow hair on my tonsils. Or that global food crises might be more easily avoided if humans feed themselves the corn and grain that they feed the innocent animals that they have slaughtered for them by the poor suckers who are lucky enough to have jobs murdering animals for a living. Amongst other reasons. Oh yeah, I'm not talkin about anything like that right now. Oops!

Whatever. Anyway, now I eat all kinds of stupid bullshit at fast food joints all the time. Cos it's easy to do! Hell, you're working, you're hungry, you were too lazy and/or forgetful to bring a lunch, so go eat a stupid-ass bacon double cheeseburger! Eat 2 of em! Fuck it! They're 2 for 3 bucks! How could you not? Man, they got this fuckin horror at Hardee's called the Monster Buscuit. I always look at it on the menu and think to myself "Get the fuck outta here" and then wince when some miserable-looking Jabba the Hut in front of me orders one. At least I'm a skinny little bastard. Don't worry, though. I got other problems to compensate for the fact that I can drink bacon milkshakes and still maintain my boyish figure.

Alright. I'm way off the subject here, cos I was gonna talk about the nasty-ass frat house where I've been sanding their floors and Hardee's happens to be the only luncheon available and next thing I know I'm yakking at any of you poor suckers who's been so unfortunate as to have bothered to read all this nonsense. I actually wrote a whole blog about the frat house that was too disturbing to post so I deleted it. Anyway, you get what you pay for. Sometimes you don't even get that.

-Sayonara.