Wow. I’m a fuckin mess. Not like that’s some kinda revelation, but it’s almost alarming. I’m staying with a friend who has a pet snake. “Pet” seems like too friendly of a word for it, but she seems to like the goddam thing. Me? I don’t really care for the things myself. I don’t hate them, but I like it better when there’s not a fuckin snake in the house. I let him (or her) slither on me for a minute before I gladly handed it back to it’s person. Turns out it’s not that easy to identify a snake’s gender. That’s the kinda thing I’ve thought about before but never while I was near Google. Same with pc keyboards in Chinese. How the hell do they do it? There are so many unique characters! It boggles the mind. Reminds me of when I was a little kid and I'd swallow something that went down the wrong pipe. I thought there was a fuckin pipe for everything. Like my eggs went down the spinach pipe, etc. I'd wonder how I had so many pipes in one little neck. Anyway, when I googled the snake sex thing it basically said “DON’T FUCKIN WORRY ABOUT IT UNLESS YOU’RE AN EXPERT”. So I quit fuckin worrying about it. Evidently it involves sticking weird probes up the thing’s ass or something and I don’t even like letting it sniff my finger very much, much less trying to find it's asshole with a roto-rooter and hoping I don't get fuckin bit.
But this led me to wonder who the fuck raises venomous snakes? I’ve wondered that before too, but I’m wondering about it again now. You can totally quit reading this and I won’t fuckin blame you. If you’re still reading this, that is... Anyway, yeah I just can’t see getting all that friendly with a snake. They don’t seem very bright, nor do they seem very social. I mean, a dog can and might bite you but they’re wired to hang out with other dogs and with people. So you shouldn’t worry about your dog biting you. If you do, get rid of the fuckin dog. But I’m pretty sure that we humans are wired to mistrust snakes. It’s primal. Those fuckers are something you should just leave alone, at best. As a matter of fact, you should probably kill em with a shovel or something. That’s because there are rattlers and cobras and coral snakes and all kinds of other terrible serpents that’ll fuckin kill you just cos you’re walking around.
So, venomous snake-raisers: Stupid? Crazy? Or did they just not get the memo? Just how the hell are you supposed to clean the King Cobra tank? And then why the fuck did you put it in a tank just so you’d have to find out? My buddy had some kinda python that pooped turds about the same gauge as a house cat's. The thing wasn’t even poisonous but it got pissed off and bit my friend when he was trying to give it some water or something. So there you got a couple of 8 penny nails jammed in your forearm just for trying to be a nice guy. Nevermind if the goddam thing woulda been some awful snake that you’re done if you get bit by it. Yeah, I’ll take my chances with a Rottweiler. Plus, the dog’s obviously glad I got home. Snakes just aren’t all that affectionate. And you can tell me that they’re friendly and loving and then I shall refer you to the first couple of sentences of this paragraph.
Well, this isn’t going anywhere. Not like it needs to, I guess. Fuck it. It’s just brain diarrhea. Gotta do something with it. Might as well flush it into the ethernet with all the other worthlessness. I would like to say before I go, though, that anybody who has a pet spider is a goddam whacko. I’d say they’re fuckin morons but I’m not here to offend anybody. And if you’re seriously insulted by being called a goddam whacko then I’ll trade my problems for yours any day of the week. That means you’re also a pussy. But yeah, fuck spiders. I mean, it makes more sense to be scared of dogs but I don’t care. I can’t stand the whole idea of spiders. If there was a hell and I went to it, I’d be getting eaten by spiders. I used to hold a sign up asking for money and people’d drive by and slap you a dollar. I used to think it’d be fucked up if somebody drove by and handed me a live tarantula. JESUS!!! It’d make me laugh and cringe a little to imagine it while I was standing there on the median. I’m sure then I just looked like a goddam wingnut. And I probably was.
Okay. That’s enough of that.
